Dear Mother Nature,

I woke up today to discover that Facebook was flipping out over some snow that we in western and western-central Pennsylvania are supposed to get between tonight and tomorrow night. I figured it was just people being dramatic about some flurries, but no.

No, Mother Nature, it looks like you’re sending us some actual snow. More snow than we saw all winter long. In fact, in my particular neck of the woods, we could see anywhere from 5-10 inches.

Now I’m not going to lie to you. The prospect of losing power and being forced to lie on the couch or in my bed reading all day is really tempting. My blood pressure would certainly be grateful. Then I think about the anxiety that I will experience as a result of having to make up all of that work, and my chest starts to hurt.

You know how I feel about shoes, too. I hate them. I don’t like things covering my feet, which is why my flip-flop season begins in February and ends in the beginning of December. This also provides me with excuses to get pedicures. I was going to get one this week. I’m sure it will look great in my snow boots.

My car, Beverly, is covered with pollen. She was set to get a bath this week. Do you think pollen will just freeze and fleck off? Could you add some soap to the snow so that by the time it melts, she’s just sparkling clean? If you wanted to vacuum and Armor-All the interior, too, I wouldn’t complain. I’ve been meaning to do that. Feel free to dig around the mountain of my former life (aka, all of my furniture and belongings that used to be in my apartment but are now collecting dust) in my parents’ garage and I’m sure you can scare up some Black Magic for the tires.

Really, Mother Nature? The least you could do is clean my car for me.

Also, I’m having this problem with oxidization on my headlights. Got any good remedies? If so, have at it.

I understand that this maybe isn’t totally your fault. We all get older and hormones… well, sometimes they just make us do funny things. I see what’s happening here. You’re menopausal, aren’t you? March through Friday was one big hot flash for you, and now you’ve gone frosty.

I just think that, maybe, you know, no one has had the M-word conversation with you in a while. It’s something you should be aware of, and there are lots of great resources on the Internet. You can check them out tomorrow when you’ll have all the bandwidth to yourself because half of Pennsylvania won’t have power if we take the brunt of your most recent mood swing.

One thing, though, and I’m telling you this for your own good. Please don’t read about your menopausal symptoms on WebMD. You’ll just get really paranoid and convince yourself that you have cancer. This is the purpose of every article on WebMD, as a matter of fact.

Get some sleep. Have a good cry (we could actually use some rain — it would be generally less damaging than snow). Maybe eat some ice cream with Father Time. You know, just chill out. It’s okay to ask for help, too. Get your hormone therapy while it’s still legal!

Thanks, Mother Nature.

Sincerely,

R.

P.S. While you’re at it, you might as well adjust my tire pressure to suit.