Franklin G. Sheepfoot
629 Paul Rudd Avenue
Slinky, PA 00019
June 24, 2011
Society of Frank Readers
911 Employment Boulevard
Blogging Brain, PA 00030
Dear Society of Frank Readers,
I am writing to express my interest and enthusiasm in having you continue to visit and read my blog on a regular basis. I realize the updates have been slow lately, but I assure you it is for good reasons. Given my blogging skills, my love of writing, and my sense of humor, I believe I am well-suited to remaining on your must-read list.
You may be wondering about the holes in my
resume posting schedule recently. In the interest of saving time, let me appeal to your digital A.D.D. with a list. Ready? Break! ::Dino-Claps::
- Snoop Bloggy Blogg, you needs to get yo’self a jobby job.
Translation: I’ve been putting my dino-nose to the grindstone and writing cover letters. Lots and LOTS of cover letters. Thus the reason I have begun to think and write in shades of cover letter.
- I’m not a player. I just crush a lot.
Translation: I may or may not be focusing the bulk of my blogging efforts toward the one that is like a job, except instead of getting a paycheck, I get praise, occasional Amazon gift cards, and connections that might (hopefully) eventually lead me to a real paycheck. I’ve also been trying to update my “professional” blog more often (the smarter side of Frank) since it’s attached to my online resume and personal website.
- Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear.
Translation: Papasaurus was in the hospital. Papasaurus was in the hospital again. Papasaurus was in the hospital a third time. Papasaurus had an operation. Papasaurus was back in the hospital. Papasaurus is sick. Papasaurus is having another operation. Papasaurus is a top priority, and Frank has been a bit shaken by all of this.
- Vacation, all I ever wanted.
Translation: I was on vacation.
- I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one.
Translation: I’ve been house sitting for my aunt. Incidentally, a bitch IS one of my problems (the dog… not my aunt…).
- On the road again.
Translation: I’m here, there, everywhere. And nowhere.
- Leave me lying here, ’cause I don’t wanna go.
Translation: Sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed just because I don’t feel like I can deal with numbers 1-6. I DO get out of bed because I listened when Beyonce talked about being a survivor, but my motivation stays on the pillow. Unless it involves job searching. Repeat process.
- I’m gonna give all my secrets away.
Translation: I’m actually not going to give all my secrets away. There are other reasons for Frank’s inconsistency (and his incontinence — yikes). I just don’t feel like blog-casting them.
But I assure you that my ability to produce quality content is still there. My dino sense of humor is still there. For example, Frank’s middle name is Gordon, mostly because Gordon Sheepfoot sounds a lot like Gordon Lightfoot. Sundown, you’d better take care if I find you’ve been creepin’ ’round my back stairs.
Oh, if you could read my mind.
In conclusion, just don’t give up. I’m working it out. Please don’t give in. I won’t let you down. It messed me up, need a second to breathe. Just keep coming around. Wh–at do you mean that one’s already been done? Damn. Those were supposed to be prehistoric profundities.
Fear not, brave reader. Frank will return to his regularly scheduled postings soon. In the meantime… open the door, get on the floor. Everybody walk the dinosaur.
Franklin G. Sheepfoot
P.S. – If you really need to find us, follow the sounds of Green River Ordinance’s Out of My Hands album. We’ll be listening to it obsessively for the rest of the summer.